GOOD AFTERNOON! YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE OFFICIAL I HEARD YOU TAPE JEOPARDY! ONLINE TEST BEFORE KIND OF A GENERAL YOU'RE ELIGIBLE FOR THE IN-PERSON KNOWLEDGE QUIZ SHOW TEST AND THE ON-CAMERA AUDITION. HERE AND I'M INTER-ESTED IN BEING A CONTESTANT
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE OFFICIAL JEOPARDY™ ONLINE TEST BEFORE YOU'RE ELIGIBLE FOR THE IN-PERSON TEST AND THE ON-CAMERA AUDITION. THE NEXT ONLINE TEST WILL BE IN OCTOBER AND IF YOU SCORE HIGH YOU'LL BE PUT ON THE 18-MONTH WAITING LIST FOR TRYOUTS. IF WE DON'T CALL YOU IN TIME YOU'RE FREE TO RETAKE THE TEST.
18 MONTHS, WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING?LOOK- I HEARD ABOUT YOUR SHOW AND I'M BORED ALL DAY AND I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A FUN ACTIVITY TO TRY, SO DO YOU NEED CONTESTANTS OR DON'T YOU? YES OR NO?
YES! WE DEFINITELY NEED CONTEST- ANTS. CONTESTANTS SUCH AS YOURSELF.
GREAT! I DIDN'T THINK THIS HAD TO BE FRIGGIN' COMPLI- CATED. I CAN ANSWER GEN- ERAL KNOWLEDGE QUESTIONS, ASSURE YOU. JUST TRY ME
UH,OKAY, SURE, HOW ABOUT WE,UH... LET'S TRY A COUPLE FROM THE LAST ONLINE TEST?" THIS PROPHET & RELIGION FOUNDER WAS BORN AROUND 630 BC IN WHAT'S NOW IRAN."
OH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT-THAT BEARDED JACKASS WITH THE HUGE ATTITUDE PROBLEM! I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT GUY ZARATHUSTRA, RIGHT? PROPHET MY ASS! NORMALLY I'M PRETTY THICK-SKINNED, BUT POINTING AT ME IN THE TOWN SQUARE AND SHRIEKING "BEHOLD THIS ABOMINATIONIS JUST A GREAT WAY TO GET EATEN, I DON'T CARE HOW MANY RELIGIONS ARE NAMED AFTER YOU. BUT THAT'S WHAT BEING RUDE GETS YOU. I WAS JUST IN IRAN LIKE 80 YEARS AGO AND NO-ONE SEEMED TO CARE ABOUT HIS CRACKPOT IDEAS ANYMORE, SO THAT WAS PRETTY SATISFYING.
UH, RIGHT, YEAH- ZOROASTER, OR, ZARA THUSTRA. ALRIGHT, UH, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE: "KING JUAN CARLOS PALACE", MAIN HOME, ZARZUELA, LIES JUST OUTSIDE THIS CAPITAL.
OKAY, JUAN CARLOS, THAT SOUNDS SPANISH SO WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF SPAIN, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ASKING? ALRIGHT, WELL I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN THE LAST FEW CENTURIES SO I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING THAT AGES AGO AS A ROMAN OR VISIGOTH OR MOORISH HABITATION, PROBABLY ON A RIVER SOMEWHERE,
THE LAST TIME I WAS THERE FOR POSITIVE THERE WAS A PRETTY POPULAR AN EXTENDED PERIOD I'M ALMOST LITTLE RIVER CALLEDSEN, AND THEY HAD KIND OF A LONG-RUNNING MUSKAL CHAIRS STYLE SETTLEMENT THERE BY THE SAME NAME, SO THAT'S PROBABLY IT, BUT I ASSUME THE NAME HAS ARBI- TRARILY CHANGED OVER TIME LIKE WHAT ALWAYS SEEMS TO HAPPEN. PROBABLY IT WAS PHONETICIZED INTO SOMETHING LIKE "AL-MAJRIT," AND THEN I BET THE "AL" WAS INEVITABLY DROPPED AND IT BECAME "MAJERIT" OR SOMETHING UNTIL THE LOCALS ALL STARTED SPEAKING CASTILIAN OR SPANISH OR WHATHANEYOU, AND THEN I BET THE USUAL HAPPENED, I BET THE NAME WAS EVEN MORE LAZILY MODIFIED BY A LAZY NEW LANGUAGE INTO SOMETHING EVEN MORE SIMPLISTIC- MATRIT? MADRID? SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
DID YOU JUST DETERMINE THE CAPITAL OF SPAIN?
DID I?
GREAT! COULD WE DO SOME MORE INTERESTING QUESTIONS THOUGH? SOMETHING BEYOND ONE-WORD ANSWERS? ASK ME ABOUT HISTORICAL TRENDS OR CULTURAL UNDERPINNINGS OR SOME- THING. ASK ME WHICH OBVIOUS MIS-TAKE YOU PEOPLE WILL REPEAT NEXT! OR HOW ABOUT SOME RIDDLES-NO-ONE EVER ASKS ME A FRIGGIN' RIDDLE! LET'S HAVE SOME REAL QUESTIONS!
LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY REAL QUESTIONS. OUR SHOW'S NOT ABOUT KNOWLEDGE, IT'S ABOUT HAVING A PLATFORM FOR TV COMMERCIALS,IT'S ABOUT GETTING AS MANY EMPTY QUEST IONS AS POSSIBLE INTO 22 MINUTES SO THE VIEWERS STAY AWAKE FOR THE COMMERCIALS, IT'S ABOUT BORING CONTEST ANTS MEMORIZING USELESS TRIVIA ACROSS A DILUTED SPEC-TRUM OF INFORMATION, AND IT'S DEFINITELY ABOUT MASTERING THE USE OF A LITTLE BUZZER SO YOU CAN BE THE FIRST TO RECITE YOUR TRIVIA AND WIN THE MOST CASH SO YOU CAN BUY THE STUFF IN THE COMMERCIALS OR A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF INTERNET PORN OR FOOD FOR YOUR 30 CATS OR GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE THESE PEOPLE BUY. IT'S A BIG, ELABORATE IDIOT SAVANT FREAKSHOW AND ADVER-TISING CIRCUS, ALRIGHT? THIS IS WHAT WE DO, SEV-EN DAYS A WEEK. WE SHOULD RENAME THE SHOW "SPONSORED ANNOY-ING MEMORY RECALL TEST CAUSE IT ABBREVIATES AS A MISSPELLING OF "SMART."
CAN I ASK YOU, HAS HUMANITY EVER DISCUSSED MAYBE RETURNING TO A STATE OF PERPETUAL WAR AND TOIL? I MEAN, YOU GUYS USED TO BE SO FOCUSED BUT I'M NOTICING YOUR CIVILIZATION RIGHT NOW JUST HAS THIS OVERALL FEEL OF A GUY WHO'S TRYING TO GET FIRED FROM HIS JOB, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, IMAGINE THAT.